There is an old saying amongst police officers follow the money.
This is regarding the war against drugs. They say if you want to get to the heart of the problem with any scope of trying to fix it you have to follow the money.
This is exactly what I’m doing and it’s taken me to some strange places. The more I dig the more I find out and to be brutally honest a lot of it isn’t positive.
I’m not exactly the Dali Lama and I’m far from perfect but the stuff I’ve found out about both sides of the family makes my skin crawl.
I’m not a religious man but I’m a big believer in Karma and I believe we have to pay for everything we do.
To me it’s as simple as ordering food in a restaurant, yeah you can have 6 courses but you have to pay for it.
I don’t believe for a second what the bible says but I do believe there is a god of some description and I believe there is a good place and a bad place.
Now all of us have enough dirt to go to that bad place but as long as you even the scales or at least try to be a better person then you will be ok.
What I can abide by is passing the book, no action or effort or blindly following the crowd.
During the Nuremberg trials, most of the nazis on trial kept saying in their defense but I was just following orders. Really and you thought that was ok I’m sorry that is just as bad as actually pulling the trigger.
Obviously, for my circumstances, I’m not talking about anything as horrific as genocide but bear with me on this, and ill explain. It’s one thing to have horrendous childhood filled with abuse, neglect, and trauma and nothing can change the past.
Unfortunately and quite rightly it’s so hard to let go of that due to us being given broken programming however everyday we make a choice. Every day we make several choices.
So yeah ok horrible shit happened to you as a kid and you maybe don’t have the tools to change your broken thinking but you can still see the effect you have on the rest of the world.
If every time your daughter is coming to see you and is leaving in tears then I’m sorry but you are a piece of shit.
We all do things we are not proud of and we can all end up in a shouting match.
To find the things that are the most upsetting and use them in your arsenal is the worst kind of behavior.
Especially when you’re just doing this to score some minor victory over something that does not matter.
It’s true what they say you can’t choose your family but every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around.
Its never too late to start again and even though some rifts cant be healed most can with time and if your willing to admit the nature of your wrongs.
Even when you feel that you are the wronged party a lot of the time you have played a part in the breakdown of a friendship. Many people can’t see that and ego stops things from being resolved.
Since digging and trying to find the origin of everything I’ve encountered many surprises. Now when I say surprises its not the type of surprise where our buddy takes you out for ice cream nothing like that just so we’re clear. If this was ice cream it would be shit flavor.
My mum told me that I honestly don’t know the half of it and I believe her. She has never given me any grounds not to trust her and all of her information over the years and especially recently has been on point.
I also now have enough background info and don’t want to know anymore.
I’ve forgiven these people who are allegedly my blood but if I go even further down the rabbit hole then I fear I won’t be able to find my way back.
I don’t have it in me to carry around all that hatred as I know how damaging it is.
It’s a wonder that many of the family are still alive and they seem to thrive on this negative energy.
One of the revelations which is very surprising is that Betty my dad’s mum didn’t like my mum one bit.
She thought my dad John could do no wrong and also saw it as a badge of honor that he had spent so much time in jail.
That unfortunately hasn’t changed and it seems to be very fashionable even in modern-day.
To be fair to Betty she had a really hard life and she probably saw John Bailey as a Robin Hood type character.
She did not see his addiction at its worst she only saw her son traveling all over Europe, robbing jewelry stores, breaking into safes, taking cash boxes. He would then come home with great presents and make a big fuss of her.
John like all the brothers was always seeking their approval and now he was able to provide for himself and splash the cash. In a house where money was so scarce and every day was a struggle, this was better than John being a doctor.
Jack and Betty were not bad people they were just not educated and their minds were poisoned from alcoholism.
When things got really bad with my Carol and John my mum was suicidal and at her wits end.
Betty was not having any of this nonsense and decided to put my mum in her place.
She came into her bedroom guns blazing telling her she should be grateful for her life and to have a fella like John Bailey in her life.
She then told her that she wasn’t getting black eyes every week and that she had a washing machine and a tumble dryer so what’s your fucking problem.
I’ve been at my wit’s end tormented with depression in the past and I can’t begin to imagine how you would even process that especially at such a low point.
It ain’t no secret my mum Carol is a warrior. She may not be strong physically but mentally she can run rings around most people. This most likely did not help her when being introduced to my dad’s side of the family.
Especially my dad he felt very threatened by her otherwise why to go to such extremes with cruelty over the years?
A correction ill make here but not in the past blogs is the age of my dad’s brothers. Eddie was the oldest, then john, George, Keith, and Chris is the youngest.
This is the fucked up part I’ve asked my dad this a couple of times over the years and he gave me the order I originally printed. How the fuck would you forget that?
Or to rephrase how fucked up on drugs must you be to get that wrong? That’s why I won’t correct it in the original post.
A correction I do need to make is regarding my grandma Helen. I said she had electric shock treatment when she was a child. This happened when she was an adult.
She had lived on a farm her whole life in the countryside. When she got together with Tom my grandad moved up to Liverpool together.
Like many women of her generation, she was stuck in the house cleaning all day. He was working hard and had a manager’s job in the post office where he worked with his best mate Alf who became my grandad when Tom died.
At home in a tiny flat in Speke all alone with no friends really took its toll on her.
She became more and more withdrawn and one day could not take it anymore. She burst into the doctor’s office in floods of tears and he sedated her.
He decided the best course of action was ECT and in those days nobody would dream to question a doctor or his course of treatment.
This was all many years before I was born and I’m not a doctor but the ECT really could not have helped her at all.
This and to then go back to exactly what triggered her was probably very damaging. I do feel so sorry for her but still, a lot of her behavior was disgusting later on.
She was an awful mother and she wasn’t much better at being a grandmother.
Trauma messes with people in many ways and she had had years of abuse at home and what made her so unhappy is she would not address any of nor would she let anything go.
She died when she was 88 and she spent the last twenty years of her life wishing she was dead. What an absolute waste of time and energy its heartbreaking in fact.
Another revelation was my grandmother’s history before she met my grandad Tom. She was married to a man named Charlie Polhill.
Like everyone else, he was sent to fight the Germans, WW2 lasted for 4 years so many relationships felt a huge strain.
The only comfort in this was everyone was suffering in the same way. She met my granddad Tom who was stationed near Yorkshire helping to train the first military dogs to go overseas.
They started having an affair and when things got serious between them both she of course ended it with Charlie.
Charlie was away at war fighting the Germans and had no idea when he would be coming home or when the war would end. This at the time was considered despicable behavior and she was shamed by her whole village.
Nobody wanted to know her anymore and she was quite often shouted at in the street and people she grew up with wanted nothing to do with her. Then things got ten times worse she got pregnant to Tom.
In those days it took years to get a divorce but it didn’t matter in the eyes of the village she was the devil.
So now she was still married, living with another man, and she had a baby out of wedlock. All of these factors played a huge part in her coming to Liverpool.
The little boy Tom and Helen had together, unfortunately, died as a baby. I don’t have any information about that as Helen would never talk about it. Let’s face it though you never get over something like that.
You would, however, think after her awful treatment she would develop some empathy and compassion but not in Helen’s case.
Years later I thought Marion my mum’s sister had run away from home at 18 but that was a lie. Marion had got pregnant to Reg and Helen kicked her out of the house for being a dirty slut.
Before moving to Wigan Marion and Reg lived in Speke and Helen had disowned Marion telling all of her neighbors she only had one daughter. Helen also refused to go to Marion and Regs wedding as she felt so disgusted with her daughter.
My mum Carol was forbidden to go either in case she got pregnant at the wedding or something equally as stupid.
Tom my grandad went and it caused murder he probably had to sleep on the couch for about a month after that but then it was all drama that Helen could use.
Helen really couldn’t put herself in Marion’s shoes nor empathize with her one bit the hypocrisy was awful.
Just to make matter worse Marion had no idea about Helen’s past and her having a baby out of wedlock.
When Marion found out she hit the roof and it caused more heartbreak and arguments.
Helen gave Marion a very watered-down version of the truth and quite rightly Marion was having none of it.
She had suffered for years at the hands of my nan and this just pushed her even further away from her mother. Helen then had more things to feel sorry for herself and still managed to justify her behavior and play the victim through this.
I really don’t understand what was going on in Helen’s mind its like she just deleted the files and it never happened.
On top of that, she created new memories of things that never happened she was a complete fantasist.
The fantasist comment is a little judgemental I know and once again I should point out that I’m not a doctor.
Trauma affects us all in different ways. I really hope she got some inner peace in death as she really did not get it in life.
This caused a huge rift and my grandad Tom was given a dog’s life by Helen. A lot of the time he could avoid her and he was always busy or he would be working and she would stew on stuff and ambush him as soon as he got home.
They had a lot of happy times but also a lot of unhappy ones as well.
Later on my mum, Carol would become the new whipping boy as Marion was well and truly never coming back.
At no point did Helen ever reflect on her behavior or own choices it was all just a game to prove she was right. She was a poor tortured soul and wanted everyone to know her pain no matter the cost.
If this meant tearing apart her family then so be it. My auntie Dot who also lives in Yorkshire was very similar. She will feature even less in this blog as she really wasn’t interested in getting to know me.
I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve seen her. She would always have a lot of judgemental shit for my mum though and not ever offer to help her just to make her feel that little bit more worthless.
Carol would inevitably follow in Marion’s footsteps and leave home at an early age and get married way too young.
She married Gary and this fell apart a few years later. She was separated from Gary and living with my dad John. Helen started again calling Carol a whore for living with another man while still married.
Carol said to her quick as a flash well it takes one to know one. Also, I must have learned from the best then yeah?
How dare she answer Helen back and how dare she not follow her do as I say not as I do mantra and this began one of the numerous falling outs between the family.
Now all the background information is in place I am absolutely gobsmacked. I thought when writing this my dad’s side of the family would make me angrier.
Like I mentioned though once you start opening these doors you don’t know what will come out. Betty at the very least put on a good show and was always nice to the grandkids. She may of hated Carol but she would always make us kids feel welcome.
There would always be plenty of food as well. So many times with my mum’s side of the family I felt like I didn’t belong. They for the most part did not have the time of day for me.
I’ve known this for years but I want the reader to know the extent of it all as well as all of the factors in play.
I really can’t understand how Marion would justify her behavior towards my mum after all of the pain and suffering she endured from Helen.
However, she did get her thirty pieces of silver in the form of a house.
All I can say about that is I hope that its worth it. Granted I’m fucking angry writing this but thirty minutes after I finish writing I will let it go.I’m a firm believer when people carry all of this stuff around with them for years it’s what makes them sick. Its this type of stuff that gives you cancer.
I’m surprised more studies have not been done on this but they say cancer will affect 1 in 3 of us. I don’t think its a coincidence that so many people have a very similar toxic mindset.
I’m also more surprised how my mum Carol ended up such a really nice person. She has been through some seriously dark days and a lot of it I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
She has also got me through some seriously dark days and every day I try my best to be a better person. In the midst of this chaos, she managed to teach me values and compassion.
Granted I have seriously come off the path multiple times but that’s fuck all to do with her its all to do with my own poor choices. Unlike the rest of the family, I don’t dwell on stuff and all I can do is change what I’m going to do tomorrow.